I hate facebook, I hate twitter, and I'm done with tumblr. This place is like my home, somewhere to run to at the end of the day when you're annoyed with the world. I've pretty much lost most of my friends. I only have Oman, but ..that's okay with me. I'm ready for whatever life has in store for me. I just hope nothing goes wrong from here on out and that I don't lose Oman.

I have a confession to make.

I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling, but this feeling remains in the pit of my stomach. It’s constant throughout when I have school and when I’m around friends, it’s constant throughout the summer when I’m stuck at home doing nothing all day, and sometimes, only sometimes it’s there when I’m in a different place, somewhere far from home. It feels like my stomach doesn’t exist anymore but is just a hole that is being filled up with junk and all the wrong things. It’s like I’m battling a war with myself, a constant struggle to remain in the right direction and not screw up, but I do..so much that its memories of its consequences are marked permanently somewhere in my brain. Now that I haven’t necessarily “screwed up”, it feels like people stopped giving a shit. I feel like I’ve been in this mess with myself for the longest time, and I’d physically love to escape from here even if it means I never see these faces again. In a way, it’d be like I’m running away from myself and maybe that’s exactly what I’m looking for. Then again, it feels like I’ve been trying to escape this place for as long as I can remember. Why am I this way? Why is it so hard for me to accept things for the way they are and make the most of what I have? I just know as a child I had so many hopes of what I’d be at my age, the kind of person I’d be, and how smart and intellectual and good, kind heart-ed I’d be, basically perfect. Perfection as we all know, doesn’t exist but I grew up with that mentality that it does, and for the longest time I’ve been swimming in a sea of false hopes, and it feels like I’ve almost choked and drowned. Maybe the reason I’d love to escape is so that I can essentially just escape myself. Sometimes a different location can change you, maybe somewhere different there are more opportunities for me. Maybe somewhere else in this world I can be happier. I wasn’t meant to be stuck in this town.. I was meant to live in Paris, Istanbul, Barcelona, wherever it is, but it feels like I’ll never reach my dreams. I know I’m young, ..and I’ve got the rest of my life, it’s just a matter of patience I guess. I’ve dealt with so much, I’ve seen so much, and I’ve put up with shitheads who’ve hurt me. At the end of the day, as much as I shouldn’t feel this way, I feel lonely. After a while of feeling this way, I feel pathetic so I just get up and go do something to chase away the stupid thoughts in my head. I know I’m ungrateful, and unappreciative, but at the same time, I’m really not. I’m in a place where the people I reach out to are walking away, and the ones I want to push farther away are tying a rope around me and not allowing me to step foot out into the world. Even now I have so many hopes and dreams, but just like from when I was younger, is it all really a fantasy? Do I continue to visualize myself where I want to be years from now, and let myself crumble in the future when nothing I want turns out the way I had thought it to? It’s really not a matter of escaping this place for the hell of it. If I had the little things in life that could make me smile, maybe things would have been different. I hate that growing up, I didn’t have a family that would get together once a week and laugh over silly things, I hate that my father was never actually there for me as a child, I hate that he always ignored my existence. I hate that when he picked me up from elementary school one day, I overheard him say “I just had to pick up this kid, I’ll be there soon”, to one of his clients. This kid. Those words have echoed in my mind for the past seven years. I hate how he left us, but I hate it when he’s here too. I hate that I have so much anger and frustration towards him because I don’t know whether to love him for putting a roof over my head or hate him for all the things he’s done and all the bad memories. I hate that as a child up until now I’ve had a Mom who didn’t let me do a lot of things, I hate that she put up with so much of my father’s shit, I hate that she treated him like a King after the way he’d treat her, and I hate how she suffocates me. I love my parents unconditionally, but they’ve killed a lot for me. I hate that I’ve had best friends who forgot about me. Most of all, I hate the fact that I feel so unappreciative and guilty when I think this way. I really don’t know where I’m going with this. I had a lot of emotions I was juggling for the past couple days and I thought I’d just ramble and hopefully feel somewhat better afterwards. I don’t know if I do, but maybe this was necessary. I hope for brighter days. My confession is that last night I actually bawled my eyes out, and for the first half hour, I was clueless as to why exactly. I don’t think I still know, ..I just can’t ever figure myself out.

Where does the time go?..

I promised myself I'd come back to xanga months ago. And then I proceeded to continue neglecting it. I've had this blog for as long as I can remember, and I hope to never forget about it, though it may seem like it when I go months without using it. My xanga holds every secret, every thought, hopes, adventures, opinions, poem, random rambling, dreams from when I was 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11..

it's been a while...

Oh my god, how I've missed Xanga. I've neglected this blog for so long, especially since I discovered tumblr. You know what, I think I'm going to start posting personal entires here again. I find comfort here. I was looking through my old blog entries on here the other day and I started tearing up. So much has changed! How could I leave this place, I'm just horrible.

Every day I'm Muslim

I'm beginning to get tired of all the ignorant people that I walk around every day. I'm beginning to get tired of all the ignorant airport security guards who glare at me like they know I'm in the middle of planning some scheme to bomb the airport while I'm standing in line to get through. I've been trying to accept it, and get used to it, but I can't take it anymore. Damn it, I want to live in this country without having being called a "terrorist". It's not that it hurts, because  it really doesn't ( I know who I am, thank you very much. No need to label me), it's just that I have to deal with people with little knowledge most of the time (I'm being nice. I could have used a harsher term), and it really irritates me, because they all think they're so much better. Because they're not "terrorists". Do you really think it's right to base a religion on its people? CNN. FOX News. 99.9% of all households in America, own a television set. The T.V is most likely on for about 6 hrs a day. Think about how many brains have been washed so far? And what stations do you think most Americans watch while sipping down that beer every evening? What was that? C-span? Let's be honest here, we've all sat down and have been "trying" to clue in on what's going on in the world, so we tune into CNN, or some other crap channel. Truth is, what they show us on television is nothing but lies. Lies, lies, lies. Someone was once ranting to me about their hatred for television, because it erases your view of everything, and instead, lays it all  out for you on the screen. Now that line, speaks the truth. We don't realize that all the crap on T.V about Bin Laden and bombs in London or whatever is all biased. The picture has been painted for us, therefore, Americans just turn off their brains and decide to believe whatever the media feeds them. But, the media=capitalism=anti-peace=anti-Islamic=they'll do anything they can to get all of America to believe that Muslims are terrorists. Sorry to break it down to you, but..we're not. Muslims are not that suspenseful and evil in our day to day lives. In fact, Islam is nothing more than a religion of simply peace. Terror is out of the question, and the very goal of a Muslim's life is to submit yourself to Allah (God), and just be a wonderful human being. Where's the evil in that? What I'm trying to say is, you shouldn't judge a religion based on its people. Because not all Muslims are bad. There are good, and there are bad. And the bad Muslims (extremists/taliban), are not even Muslim! They claim they know everything about the Qu'ran, but truth be told, when they utter out loud that "such and such" was written in the Qu'ran, and we should follow it...when it really wasn't, it is one of the biggest sins you could commit as a Muslim. Here are a list of things that are stereotypes about Muslims. Just want to clear things up.

• Women are forced to wear hijab. And their husbands force it upon them.

False, false, false. it's not supposed to be forced upon any woman. At all. Wearing a hijab, has to come from the heart, no one should really force it upon you.

• Men beat their wives in Islam.

No! Where did this even come from? It's just ridiculous. A woman's position in Islam is so high, it is said that when she gives birth, God erases every sin she has committed, because of the pain she had to bear through for nine months. Women and Men are equal in Islam, and should be treated with just as much respect. I'm not saying that there aren't men who don't beat their wives, but then again, turn on Oprah, and tell me how many stories you hear about women who get abused in the American society? Does this mean that Christians believe in abusing their wives? No. I rest my case.

• Women are oppressed in Islam.

All I can say to that is "PFFFFT!". Women have been granted freedom over 1400 years ago! I know a lot of muslim women who have never felt more free. What a joke. Women in Islam are not oppressed.

• We bomb places when we're mad.

You're kidding me, right? No. Those are called terrorists. That is the act of terrorism. Now, who said that terrorism only applied to Muslims?

ter⋅ror⋅ism-1. the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.

Where in that sentence did it say "Islam", or "Muslims?". Why is it, that when someone says "terrorist", automatically, everyone thinks Islam? What about America? America is the number one terrorist country, and I bet that's a shocker to you right now considering how small your brain is. What about Israel? Don't you remember when they bombed and killed 2,000 Palestinians a couple months ago? Didn't anyone ever tell you that they have tanks roaming around Palestine, and they shoot at anyone they feel like? Haven't you seen those photos where the soldiers step on an innocent man's life while they laugh? Or the pictures where little second graders get shot on their way to school? Oh yeah...because that's not what they show you on T.V. Gee, I only wonder why.

You see, the media does not want to show how evil Israel is, because America is allies with Israel (does AIPAC ring a bell?), and together, they want to destroy Islam. They don't tell you this stuff, because then you'll actually open up your mind and want to learn more about this situation, and go realize that Israel and America are evil, because they want to keep you in this little box, so you never expand your brain, and you forever remain stupid, and get trapped in their nasty little lies. And if America is soooo peaceful, and is all for creating peace, well um. Did we forget BUSH? And what about the war in Iraq? Killing thousands and thousands of innocent lives by the SECOND! Using all this money to kill muslims! And think how much that money could help us here in the U.S, with education for kindergardeners. All the homeless people ignored on the streets. But instead, America uses it on weapons. No one even knows how much money America hands over to Israel to bomb us Muslims. But,In 2005, the US gave Israel more than $2.6 billion. It would blow your mind to find how out much it is now, and I can't even give you an accurate answer, because it literally goes higher by the second. And I can't even emphasize the word "litereally" any more. And the taxes that you pay, everything..it all goes to killing an innocent little girl in the middle east. An innocent new born baby with a bullet inside of its body. To imprison an innocent man, and demolish his home with his family in front of his very eyes.







And the sad thing is, most people don't even know where Palestine is.

(If you would like to know what actually happened in Gaza, you can click here: http://english.aljazeera.net/news/middleeast/2009/01/200917205418665491.html)

Is that not called terrorism? So, why is it that Muslims are terrorists? Every religion has their extremists. Al Qaeda (however the hell you spell it), the taliban, Bin Laden...
You think people in Afghanistan are going "YAY! it's the taliban! come here and stone me to death because it "says so in our religion", and I have to follow that!" or, a little boy goes up to a terrorist and says "Strap some bombs on me mister, so I can make everyone proud!". Think about it. We fear these people, so if we're muslims ourselves..that means we fear ourselves? Does that even make sense to you? EXACTLY. If you want to know about "reality", don't turn on CNN or the t.v at all actually. Step outside.

You see, we are all human beings and every religion has its bad people. Like, the extremists, for example. But don't go judging a religion based on its people. Because the people will always interpret it in different ways. And there will always be the pyscho's who give the religion a bad name. Instead, go research it, and see how many positive things you can find out about it. We all walk on the same streets. Breathe the same air. And when people look into my eyes, I only hope they can get past the surface and see the truth. But for now, I know I just have to accept it, and be happy, that I at least know the truth. And truth, is on the side of the oppressed.